THE CHRISTIAN MAN IN RELATION TO THE WOMAN
What God bath joined together, let not man put asunder.
- Mark 10:9
For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. And if ye be Christ’s, then are ye Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.
- Galatians 3:26-29
Many people have difficulty in understanding the way things have changed and the way things have stayed the same since the Old Covenant gave-way to the New. They also have problems figuring out where to draw the line at where New Covenant privileges end and post-Resurrection privileges begin. The issue of marriage illustrates many of these misconceptions.
Some Christians, having failed to do a thorough study of the Scriptures, take some passages, like the one in Galatians above, and attempt to completely democratize the Christian faith. Perhaps, I should use the word "communize", instead. These people think God has done away with the Ten Commandments, so people should not have private property. We are told to share everything - I mean "everything". "Marriage is obsolete under the New Covenant", they say. "We should have free love. Marital jealousy is a sin; we should not selfishly cling to our spouses." Every once in awhile, a group that thinks this way makes a splash in the newspapers. But it is not an obscure sentiment. All antinomian churches (like many mainline and charismatic groups) suffer from its influence. It is an age-old problem with people who have read enough of the Bible to be dangerous, but not enough of it to be disciplined by it.
Groups like this fail to realize that Jesus specifically said that marriage would not end as an institution until the general resurrection at the end of history (Mark 12:25). Marriage exists in the Millennium. As long as we are in this flesh and on this earth, God’s laws in the Bible still apply. The New Covenant did not do away with God’s law in the Old Testament; it just gave us the moral power to fulfill its requirements and to hasten the consummation of history (Hebrews 8:7-13). The blessings of the New Covenant enable us to put an end to sin, establish the Kingdom of God, and make way for the Lord’s final coming (Romans 8; 1 Corinthians 15). The kind of communal society these people envision will not occur until after the resurrection, when we shall be "as the angels of heaven".
Because we are new men still living in the old world, there is still the need for marriage, there is still a need for distinctions in status, and there is still a need for ethnic purity. Yet as new men, we can redeem these institutions and turn them into blessings.
There is no earthly bond, no earthly covenant, which the Bible describes with such absoluteness as it does the marital relationship. The union between a man and a woman is the only one described by our Lord as one executed by God Himself (Mark 10:9). Business corporations, church memberships, national citizenships, although binding as are all vows and regulated under the Third Commandment - none are ordained by God as is the marriage covenant, which is officiated by God, not by man:
"For the gifts
and calling of God are without repentance" (Romans
There is no relationship on Earth which
takes precedence over the marital bond. Even Paul, the defender
of celibacy, ranks the relationship equal with the relationship
Christ has with His Church (Ephesians
Our understanding of the Christian
man’s relationship to the woman must begin with the Creation
Ordinance (sometimes called the "Cultural
Mandate"). It is at creation that we find the most
precise declaration of the Creator’s purpose for the human
species. Outlined in Genesis
As James Jordan has brilliantly explained
in his books and articles on this subject,
There were five aspects to the Cultural Mandate: 1) Fruitfulness, 2) Multiplication, 3) Replenishment, 4) Subjugation, and 5) Dominion. With the exception of the third, they are discussed in The Separatist Papers; so we need not discuss them here.
God said it was "not good for man to be alone". Many scholars see this evaluation in terms of man’s psychological needs. While this was a factor, it was God’s purpose for man that was primary: it was impossible for man to fulfill the Cultural Mandate alone. God was not merely looking at man’s need of companionship. (Would not fellowship with the Creator have sufficed? Or the creation of another male?)
God created "a suitable helper"
for man (Genesis
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
- Genesis 1:27
Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.
- 1 Corinthians 11:11
The account of man’s creation presents a significant perspective of the male/female relationship in the human species: they are both men. In every aspect of God’s image, the woman is as much a man as man is. In intellect, will, emotion, and calling - the woman has all the attributes of manhood. But she is a man with a womb. She bears and nurtures children. Therefore, although metaphysically co-equal with man (just as Christ is co-equal with the Father), the woman is functionally subordinate to the man in terms of authority (just as Christ is to the Father). This is a voluntary subordination that is created by the marriage vow.
A woman cannot be a man and a mother at the same time, without her children suffering in a way which violates God’s standard for their care. And societies which require women to work with men and turn their child-rearing over to slaves or institutions (public schools included) will eventually raise a generation incapable and unwilling to perpetuate itself. When men abdicate their spiritual duties and women their domestic duties, then the equilibrium of the human species is thrown off balance. Disaster is inevitable.
Thus, man is divided in two parts: the male (the covenant head) and the female (the child-bearer). Together, they make the human species.
This division of labor is amplified in the
Curse (Genesis
After the Cultural Mandate, we find the next great precept on the marital relationship: the Fifth Commandment, "Honor thy father and thy mother." Children are required to treat each of their parents with equal reverence. By implication, therefore, the mother is entitled to "original jurisdiction" over her offspring, just as the father. The mother does not derive her maternal authority from her husband, but from the very fact that she is the mother. While the woman does not have authority over the man (1 Timothy 2:12), and is intended to be in submission to her father or husband, that does not diminish her authority over her children. The book of Proverbs makes clear reference to the "law of the mother" (Proverbs 1:8; 6:20). Deborah, the military leader of Judges, refers to herself as "a mother in Israel" (5:7). Although subordinate, the woman does have a position of true authority with the man which is God-ordained.
Under Christ, all believers are equal; for the Scriptures apply to all. The woman is a "joint heir" with her husband (1 Peter 3:7). If a man is derelict in his duty as the leader in his home, that does not absolve the wife of her accountability. She must interpose; even in matters which some consider the exclusive province of the male. Zipporah, the wife of Moses, angrily circumcised her son to save her husband from God’s wrath (Exodus 4:24-26), which he had neglected to do. Here, Moses failed to perform his duty as the man of the house. Likewise, the woman, in the absence of the man, has the power to preach, baptize, administer communion, and do all those things that God has told men to do. However, if the man is present and willing to do his duty, the woman is obliged to step aside and let him.
Before leaving this point, perhaps I can illustrate this concept with our American system of government. We have a federal level of government and a state level. Each receives their areas of original jurisdiction and powers directly from the people, not from each other. Yet, in some areas of overlapping powers (which in our day has become quite extensive), the federal government has supremacy and in others, the states do. Similarly, both the man and the woman receive their duties and powers from God separately. And they both answer to God for the discharge of their duties. Of course, the analogy breaks down because the man has comprehensive jurisdiction in his home, unlike our constitutional government with limited jurisdiction. But his power is not absolute. He cannot require his wife to do something which will compromise her responsibility to the children, such as working away from home. The modern trend is to view marriage strictly as a contract, with the two parties left to themselves to decide what the terms of that contract are. It is a sin to ignore God’s Word in setting up a household.
Paul says that "the woman is the glory of the man" (1 Corinthians 11:7). It is just as much an evil for that glorious image to be perverted in the woman as a keeper of the home and bearer of children (1 Timothy 5:14) as it is for the image of God to be perverted in man by sodomy or slavery (Romans 1:22-24). This does not restrict women from commercial enterprises (witness the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 and Lydia, the businesswoman of Acts 16:11-15). But the home is central to the woman’s function, and her labor must be home-based. Her function is not that of a competitor in the marketplace.
The kind of dominion which we are addressing - kingdom building through our households - needs a woman who will spend most of her time at home (1 Timothy 2:5). It also requires the man to spend much of his time at home, too.
The process of discipleship requires time, much time with one’s mentor. A Christian man must first spend time with God. This does not require lengthy and wearisome prayer times. Rather, living in the conscious presence of God is essential. Frequent and formal acts of worship set the tone for all of life. They need not be lengthy, just often (ideally, three times a day - Psalms 55:17).
Godly meditations while working fills the remainder of the day for the Christian man. As he is discipled by the Holy Spirit, then he is in a position to disciple his family.
The Christian patriarch must spend time with his family. If it requires the abiding presence of God in his own life to accomplish his discipleship, so likewise, it will require his presence at home to disciple his household. He needs an occupation which is a cottage industry, one which will provide immediate access to the father for wife and child. An absent father for the family is like an absent God for mankind. There is a loss of the sense of security, restraint, purpose, and guidance. Although the man cannot afford to have frequent interruptions of his work by his family, accessibility when the need arises provides an atmosphere of the father’s presence, especially if there are daily breaks (mealtimes) when the family is together.
A man cannot expect a woman to follow him, if he in turn is not following Christ. If Paul the Apostle felt compelled to qualify his claim to leadership by faithfulness to Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1), how much more must we, lacking Apostleship, demonstrate that we are carefully following Christ.
There are two elementary conditions which
qualify a man as Christ’s disciple. And Christian women are
advised to take note. First, is he a man of the Word? Is he
Biblically literate? It sometimes amazes me how pervasive
Biblical illiteracy is in our churches, even among clergymen.
(Most seminaries do not bother studying the actual Biblical text;
they study theology and philosophy). What is equally amazing is
that Biblical literacy was once the minimum standard of education
in
Second, as mentioned above, is he a man of prayer? Does he have an altar, a time and place where he communes with God? Bible knowledge requires experiential knowledge with God. A man who claims to be following Jesus, yet who never talks to Him, is a contradiction. Again, a woman cannot be expected to follow a man’s leadership who she knows never prays. A man’s choices are sanctified by the Word of God and prayer (1 Timothy 4:4-5).
Therefore, the source of a patriarch’s authority lies with his membership in the Divine Council. He is a prophet, as was his father Abraham (Genesis 20:7). The foundation of the home is not found in wealth, competence, or physical strength. It is found in his relationship with God. A man who builds his house on anything else will surely face disaster.
Before leaving the subject of prayer, there
is a point of particular value to our discussion. During the
Intertestamental period, Jewish rabbis began to use the Greek
word paraclete, (i.e. an intercessor), to describe
the Altar. The Altar was the doorway to heaven, the point of
contact with God. Significantly, Jesus used the Aramaic
equivalent when He referred to the Holy Spirit as the
"Comforter" in John 16:7. Paul continues this theme in
Romans 8:26-27. By application, a man filled with the Holy Spirit
has an altar in his heart - instant access to God at any time, in
any place. That is why it is possible for a Spirit-filled person
to "pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians
How is the relationship between a man and his wife changed when he makes a career commitment to his family? First, the wife benefits because she and the child become the objects of his primary interest. She does not have to compete with "outside" commitments for her husband’s attention. It is a big boost to her morale to know that she and the children are of utmost importance in his life, not only in earthly things, but in heavenly things, as well. It does increase the burden of child-bearing and child-rearing for the woman, since there will be likely more of them to rear (either by natural means or adoption). She will need to rise to the caliber of the virtuous woman found in Proverbs 31. But her consolation will be that she is not alone. Her husband will be there.
As a reminder, my purpose in this study is not to suggest that the kind of Christian home I am describing is the one for all Christians. Not everyone can make a living from their home and raise a large family; although, we need a lot more Christian homes like that if we ever hope to save this civilization. Some people have career obligations to their professions; others do not have the resources or competence for large families. What I am suggesting, however, is that most Christians, while they may not make good doctors or good preachers, or good whatever, they can make good mothers and fathers. My purpose here is to elevate family duties to the Divine calling that it truly is.
The most important relationship on Earth in terms of its effect on producing godly children is the one between a man and his wife. No relationship influences the moral direction of a child more than that of his parents. Here, by example, he learns everything necessary for any other relationship he may encounter later in life. Not only do we find in the husband-wife bond the marital relationship, but the relationships of sacred, filial, companionate, managerial, and more. Also, no relationship offers a type with more exactness of the relationship between the members of the Trinity than that of husband, wife, and child. It is God’s desire to someday produce a godly generation. That is not possible without godly marriages and godly homes (Malachi 2:14-15; Psalms 25:13).
Second, a career commitment to the home
will restore and strengthen the chain of authority. As explained
above, the presence of the husband in the home increases his
supervision capabilities. In doing so, there is created a
community of authority in the home. The wife does not stand alone
because of an absent husband, nor is their division toward the
children or the outside world. Because the man is more acquainted
with the circumstances of a situation, a consensus for action can
be arrived at quickly. Deferred judgment is often as bad as no
judgment at all. The husband and wife benefit from each
other’s counsel in those times when undelayed action is
necessary. This is also true on matters of discipline
(Ecclesiastes
Disunity between husband and wife, or the perception thereof, breaks down home government. The woman’s "power of influence" must always be her husband’s ally. The child and the public need to know that she is acting on his behalf, and with his express authority, which is frequently validated by his verbal approval and support. The wife is indispensable to a man’s respect and authority in his home. The child will follow her lead.
Third, in management of resources, the man must be prudent and self-reliant. He may be poor, but he need not be bound by debt. He may not have luxuries, but he can have a future. A profligate and wasteful spender is a low-class individual, even if he is rich. As Gary North, the Christian economist, has pointed out often in his writings, wealth begins with a time perspective. That was probably why men in the Bible often married later in life, and why men today probably marry too young. Maturity usually comes with age: maturity in a relationship with God, maturity in one’s work, maturity in relational conduct in general.
People are marrying later in life these days, but it is for the purpose of extending their adolescence, rather than developing their maturity. Our society is present-oriented. The kind of man who would be a patriarch must think in generations. A family can only grow if it defers the pleasures it wants today until tomorrow. That is how you build a capital base. And a capital base is what gives a man the means to provide for his family. Without it, he is forced to live from day-to-day upon the mercy of others. Unreliability in meeting the needs of his household will undercut the confidence a man’s family will have in him. But most men do not have trouble making enough money; spending it wisely is their problem. If he lives and works near his home, he will see his family’s needs, and will be less tempted to buy that boat or snowmobile like the boys at work have.
Finally, on the matter of sexual morality, a man needs to discipline his sexual desires and affections until he reaches the point of mastery over them. Women either (a) fear, or (b) despise men who cannot. They fear a man if they think he might rape or abuse them. Or, they disrespect him if they think he is an irresponsible playboy. At any angle, a man who cannot demonstrate control over his sexuality is a man who cannot engender trust and obedience in his wife (1 Corinthians 7:4). And a woman who does so will end up getting the disaster she deserves.
The Bible describes marriage as a state of rest for the woman (Ruth 3:1). A woman cannot rest in a marriage if she cannot depend upon the sexual loyalty of her husband. How can she sacrifice her life and beauty to build his house, if at any moment, he will abandon her for someone else? And the man cannot expect that kind of commitment from her, if he cannot demonstrate it in himself. Again, the man’s vocation at the homestead leaves little opportunity for the "office affair” or other rendezvous which are all too easily arranged when the man is away from home all the time.
Obviously, a man who has difficulty being sexually loyal to his wife is not the material from which God makes patriarchs. He is looking for "a few good men".